I have a few questions that need posing: does anyone understand fuckboys? Where did they come from, and why are they determined to ruin everyone’s lives?
The recent drama that has seemingly consumed Black Twitter is the news of this nasty post-divorce settlement agreement with its-going-all-the-way–down-with-my-real-love Mary J. Blige, and her ex-husband we-been-known-was-a-gold-digger, Kendu Isaacs. They were married for 12 years and Mary cited “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for their divorce.
I get it. Celebrities marry. Divorce happens. It’s the cycle of life. But what really had me give the side eye to my computer screen was what Isaacs is claiming he’s owed from her. According to the NY Daily News, this fool is asking for over $130,000 a month in “spousal support,” aka there will be no crunk in this dancery until he is paid. Y’all. Let us review what he claims he needs every month to sustain his life:
- $7,000 in rent
- $8,000 for a private chef
- $3,200 for a personal trainer
- $1,000 for clothing
- $21,677 for charities
- $71,000 for mortgages on several properties
He is also asking for, drumroll please, $5,000 per month in child support for his three children from a previous marriage.
You mean to tell me that not only does he think Mary “The Queen of R&B” J. owes his irrelevant ass a six-figure sum per month, BUT he wants her to sustain his weight loss journey and philanthropy? Boy….
And how ironic that his second highest request is $21,677 for charities. Did he want his ask to seem more noble? Lawd. When I tell you I CAN’T is an understatement. “I can’t” is such an understatement that I basically can.
Anyways, let’s get back to the topic of fuckboys. Their kind is running rampant in our communities, and with more and more men (of the celebrity and regular degular variety) revealing themselves to be of the fuckboy ilk, I wanted to take a sociological deep dive into the nature of their kind. I consulted two of my friends, Eliza and Natasha, who have 0% knowledge in science and asked them their thoughts on all things fuckboy. To be as transparent as possible, I am posting the organic conversation that occurred between them as they tried to further understand this phenomenon. Feel free to eavesdrop.
*Cues Bill Nye The Science Guy Theme Song*
Natasha: Anayo, his list of demands is ridiculous! The audacity of this man to ask for child support for children he had by another woman. 😒 Like, I get it if you are requesting some money after a divorce, whether you’re the man or woman. But come on….really?!?!
N: Though I may be persuaded to agree with said findings, I feel that further analysis must be done for a more accurate assessment. It would be presumptive of us to come to such a conclusion without taking into consideration external variables that may affect the specimen.
E: Presumptive it is not, as the spike in said findings has had empirical evidence and research conducted by a myriad of independent and bipartisan organizations. In my humble opinion, it would be senseless of us to not act now. We must flee the continent. It is for our own safety.
E: I too, have conceded to such findings. While I do not disagree with such analysis, I do however, find that such fuckboyism has gone rampant in the Western Hempishoric states. Thus, an immediate evacuation plan must be implemented in order to save and preserve the female homosapien. As we seek a safe kingdom in the East, it is then when we will gather necessary resources in order to prepare breakthrough scientific data on the mutations of the species that we shall encounter there, and prepare for our next safe haven. It is the only way.
E: Due to our positions on this issue, I believe it is only right to follow and pursue our respective paths. It is such, that I can only pursue what I believe is right for me and my people. I will lead the coalition to the East and we will fight the weaker mutations. The female homosapien’s civilization can no longer be endangered. For it can no longer sustain the elements. My dear friend, there is no hope. You have not displayed how to ensure cross contamination doesn’t permeate the female. Furthermore, the congregation and I are headed East to set up camp. May the force be with you and the rest of the female. May you stay alive and fuckboy-free.
That concludes today’s COMPLETELY scientific observation of the fuckboy species. Stay tuned for further case studies only here on ATT.
Featured Image: US Magazine