I’m not Black, but I feel like I still relate to this. I heard a Frenchwoman say how she thought it was so interesting in the US how everyone wants to look the same, but the thing that makes Frenchwomen so known is the fact that they try to embrace themselves and be their own most beautiful.
It feels like here it’s the shit rolls down hill idea, the further away from the blonde haired blue eyed beauty the more shit you’re under and the more important that validation feels to helping you dig out.
Omggggg!!!! There were parts of this where it felt like you were reading my journal, and I shed some tears because of how validating it felt to see someone who had experienced a lot of parallels to me. I also grew up as a tomboy in California, as the eldest daughter to immigrant parents who grew up not being desired until much later in life and not knowing what to do with it.
The specific quotes that stood out the most were:
1. "Attention? Never had it. Being chose? Don’t know her. The girl people thought was pretty? Not me. I was a tomboy and felt really comfortable in that. I leaned into it, and looking back, I think it was a form of protection. Tomboys weren’t expected to be feminine or attractive. Tomboys don't get looked at. Tomboys are the homie. Tomboys fly under the radar. And I liked flying under the radar. Flying under the radar meant nobody was teasing you."
^^that hit me like a truck because it felt so true to why I found so much safety in that and why, for a long time, I resented femininity for myself because of how scared I was to be seen. I feared for a long time that if I played into it, I would be doing it wrong and would be made fun of. I've only started playing around with it within the last year.
2. "I played that role so well that by the time I got to college, that's the role I quietly slipped into. I quietly slipped into my classes, quietly slipped into the dining hall—I was just there. I went to a PWI, and at that point, I was entirely removed from the world of liking men and having crushes." ^^literallyyyy same! Like I felt like everyone was miles ahead of me when it came to this stuff, and it wasn't until I turned 24 when I changed my look to be more grunge that I started getting people approach me in public at bars. Then, when I signed up for dating apps, it was like a whole new world where it felt like I was finally experiencing the romantic attention I felt like everyone else did at like 16-17. My first date that year, I still cringe because of how awkward I felt during it.
3. "For the first time, I felt worthy. And it wasn’t just about men—it was about how I carried myself. I took risks, explored the city, and lived my own life instead of shrinking into the background."
^^you get meee!! Like after experiencing that romantic attention, I felt like even my walk was different, like every step carried an extra layer of confidence that it did before. I didn't slouch as much anymore to try to fade into the background. I am now hella extra where I have to put an outfit together even if I'm just doing a quick errand because it feels like part of me now.
Anayo, oh gosh. I loved this. I can't relate to much of your experience, but I do resonate with some things. Growing up in California in the 90s and early 2000s - and not fitting into the box of what it meant to be a "desirable girl/woman," having immigrant parents, being shy, docile, and quiet when I was younger (to a lesser degree still now, in my 30s), "retreating inward" and "flying under the radar," and not feeling or being seen for most of my life. I also felt undesirable, and was never 'chosen.' (And I also love Italy and studied abroad in college too!) I'm in a season in my life where I'm struggling with not feeling 'chosen' by men, where I've started to feel like there's something wrong with me, where I just don't feel *good* about myself - and I really needed to read this. Thank you.
Also, this line - "But at the same time, there was a small part of me that was yearning for attention. Not to be the center of it, but to be seen." - I relate to so, so deeply.
Thank you so much for reading, and I love to see so many of us former (or still working on it) shy girls relate to this! Cheers to climbing out of our shells and realizing we're worthy day by day
I can relate to this so much. I grew up in Georgia, which was Southern, racist, and colorist, so my Afrocentric features were not exactly celebrated. I got bullied in my family and outside of it. I learned later that I wasn't ugly. My flawless dark skin and thick hair, lips, and thighs were what made me a Goddess in training. Yes, validation is important, especially from your family. When they don't see you, expecting or hoping others will see you is hard. I'm glad you took the trip and had your glow-up. Keep traveling, shining, and sharing your story. So many women, young and older, need to hear it.
Beautiful piece. I had a similar experience in Ghana. The empowerment + sense of belonging that comes from being surrounded by people that look like you is unmatched. Traveling is really that girl!
This was so good, so viscerally and painfully relatable. And for the advocation for self independence, going and doing stuff even if there's no one to go with was a cherry on the cake for me✨❤️
I absolutely love this although I'm surprised that was your experience in London. Growing up in London it was super colourist and I actually felt that going to America on holiday I received way more attention than I did in the UK!
I love this!!! I remember my first trip to Europe and thinking “I’m so hot in Paris”. I toured Italy with my close friend, a tall Nigerian, and the tour group as a whole declared she couldn’t go her out by herself, the men were so entranced by her. Being appreciated in a different way is revelatory.
Wow, this is incredible to hear. I've found as a biracial person in London (lived there full time from 21-24, now splitting time) I felt almost more home than I had felt in my own family (mom, former stepdad and half sister were all white). I could walk out of my house and there were fellow Ghanaians, Nigerians (love y'all despite our jollof beef) and immigrants from everywhere in every corner. The international community there is the reason I stayed so long. Hearing you get this visibility and having such a positive impact on your confidence as a darker skinned girly made my heart very happy. London has its faults but it's truly such a vibrant place, the people really make it special.
This experience is so helpful. Of course the external validation is necessary for healing. White women get it from the day they're born.
I didn't think it was like that in California. I lived in Colorado for a year, except for my British accent. I was invisible. It's true, London, when I was in my 20s and 30s was very busy with men of all races.
I’m not Black, but I feel like I still relate to this. I heard a Frenchwoman say how she thought it was so interesting in the US how everyone wants to look the same, but the thing that makes Frenchwomen so known is the fact that they try to embrace themselves and be their own most beautiful.
It feels like here it’s the shit rolls down hill idea, the further away from the blonde haired blue eyed beauty the more shit you’re under and the more important that validation feels to helping you dig out.
I’m so glad you ended up in London!
Omggggg!!!! There were parts of this where it felt like you were reading my journal, and I shed some tears because of how validating it felt to see someone who had experienced a lot of parallels to me. I also grew up as a tomboy in California, as the eldest daughter to immigrant parents who grew up not being desired until much later in life and not knowing what to do with it.
The specific quotes that stood out the most were:
1. "Attention? Never had it. Being chose? Don’t know her. The girl people thought was pretty? Not me. I was a tomboy and felt really comfortable in that. I leaned into it, and looking back, I think it was a form of protection. Tomboys weren’t expected to be feminine or attractive. Tomboys don't get looked at. Tomboys are the homie. Tomboys fly under the radar. And I liked flying under the radar. Flying under the radar meant nobody was teasing you."
^^that hit me like a truck because it felt so true to why I found so much safety in that and why, for a long time, I resented femininity for myself because of how scared I was to be seen. I feared for a long time that if I played into it, I would be doing it wrong and would be made fun of. I've only started playing around with it within the last year.
2. "I played that role so well that by the time I got to college, that's the role I quietly slipped into. I quietly slipped into my classes, quietly slipped into the dining hall—I was just there. I went to a PWI, and at that point, I was entirely removed from the world of liking men and having crushes." ^^literallyyyy same! Like I felt like everyone was miles ahead of me when it came to this stuff, and it wasn't until I turned 24 when I changed my look to be more grunge that I started getting people approach me in public at bars. Then, when I signed up for dating apps, it was like a whole new world where it felt like I was finally experiencing the romantic attention I felt like everyone else did at like 16-17. My first date that year, I still cringe because of how awkward I felt during it.
3. "For the first time, I felt worthy. And it wasn’t just about men—it was about how I carried myself. I took risks, explored the city, and lived my own life instead of shrinking into the background."
^^you get meee!! Like after experiencing that romantic attention, I felt like even my walk was different, like every step carried an extra layer of confidence that it did before. I didn't slouch as much anymore to try to fade into the background. I am now hella extra where I have to put an outfit together even if I'm just doing a quick errand because it feels like part of me now.
It's great to hear that you enjoyed London.
Haha love y'all too! So validating to be able to walk out in a city and see yourself reflected constantly, London is def that girl
What an interesting title! Hooked me.
Anayo, oh gosh. I loved this. I can't relate to much of your experience, but I do resonate with some things. Growing up in California in the 90s and early 2000s - and not fitting into the box of what it meant to be a "desirable girl/woman," having immigrant parents, being shy, docile, and quiet when I was younger (to a lesser degree still now, in my 30s), "retreating inward" and "flying under the radar," and not feeling or being seen for most of my life. I also felt undesirable, and was never 'chosen.' (And I also love Italy and studied abroad in college too!) I'm in a season in my life where I'm struggling with not feeling 'chosen' by men, where I've started to feel like there's something wrong with me, where I just don't feel *good* about myself - and I really needed to read this. Thank you.
Also, this line - "But at the same time, there was a small part of me that was yearning for attention. Not to be the center of it, but to be seen." - I relate to so, so deeply.
Thank you so much for reading, and I love to see so many of us former (or still working on it) shy girls relate to this! Cheers to climbing out of our shells and realizing we're worthy day by day
❤️❤️💕💕❤️❤️
I can relate to this so much. I grew up in Georgia, which was Southern, racist, and colorist, so my Afrocentric features were not exactly celebrated. I got bullied in my family and outside of it. I learned later that I wasn't ugly. My flawless dark skin and thick hair, lips, and thighs were what made me a Goddess in training. Yes, validation is important, especially from your family. When they don't see you, expecting or hoping others will see you is hard. I'm glad you took the trip and had your glow-up. Keep traveling, shining, and sharing your story. So many women, young and older, need to hear it.
I can only imagine! I'm so happy for both of us
Beautiful piece. I had a similar experience in Ghana. The empowerment + sense of belonging that comes from being surrounded by people that look like you is unmatched. Traveling is really that girl!
This was so good, so viscerally and painfully relatable. And for the advocation for self independence, going and doing stuff even if there's no one to go with was a cherry on the cake for me✨❤️
Thank you so much 🥰
I absolutely love this although I'm surprised that was your experience in London. Growing up in London it was super colourist and I actually felt that going to America on holiday I received way more attention than I did in the UK!
Isn't it funny how that works? Coincidentally, on my recent trips to London I've felt similarly
I can relate SO much omg wow
🫶🏿✨
I love this!!! I remember my first trip to Europe and thinking “I’m so hot in Paris”. I toured Italy with my close friend, a tall Nigerian, and the tour group as a whole declared she couldn’t go her out by herself, the men were so entranced by her. Being appreciated in a different way is revelatory.
I loved London! For some reasons my California accent was charming instead of annoying. I would move there in a heartbeat!
Wow, this is incredible to hear. I've found as a biracial person in London (lived there full time from 21-24, now splitting time) I felt almost more home than I had felt in my own family (mom, former stepdad and half sister were all white). I could walk out of my house and there were fellow Ghanaians, Nigerians (love y'all despite our jollof beef) and immigrants from everywhere in every corner. The international community there is the reason I stayed so long. Hearing you get this visibility and having such a positive impact on your confidence as a darker skinned girly made my heart very happy. London has its faults but it's truly such a vibrant place, the people really make it special.
This experience is so helpful. Of course the external validation is necessary for healing. White women get it from the day they're born.
I didn't think it was like that in California. I lived in Colorado for a year, except for my British accent. I was invisible. It's true, London, when I was in my 20s and 30s was very busy with men of all races.