Random Observations 01: Nigeria
the random sh*t I noticed
Welcome to Random Observations, a monthly column on the random shit I notice in random places around the world. Very serious, and completely unserious. First up, my random observations of Lagos, and Nigeria in general.
Sales attendants don't care about what you want. What you want is a fun idea, but at the end of the day, they're going to give you what they want. Waiters tell you what food you're going to order. Shop associates will bring a random dress to you that has nothing to do with what you're looking for and suggest you buy it.
I tried ordering a margarita at a restaurant, and they asked if I wanted it to be veggie or alcoholic.
There's no "look busy" culture like in America. If there's nothing to do, then there's nothing to do. The employees pretty much stand around until something happens. This is super jarring because in America, store attendants are always busy, and you need to chase them down to get help.
The POS system is genius. There are random people that sit on the sides of the street who have hundreds of thousands of naira on hand. If you need cash, just transfer them the amount you want, and they’ll give you the cash. It’s like a more personable ATM.
At the market, people mchew at you and call you “mommy” and “aunty” to get your attention. They know I’m not from here. Someone shouted “U.S!” to alert the others that I was indeed a foreigner.
Chaos and aggression are the main love languages. You have to yell to get what you want, and it can sometimes take 30-45 minutes to land on a price for something as simple as a t-shirt. They will make fun of you, shame you, and insult you all in one breath before you get to the right price. Once you hear the final boss phrase “last last,” that’s the final price.
At the fabric shop, we all fam. Everyone is crowded in looking for the right material for their various parties, weddings, and asoebi. Everyone knows the exact color they’re looking for. Lilac (not lavender), burnt orange (not rust orange)—you’re a mumu if you can’t tell the difference.
The customer is not always right. I witnessed a girl order a cinnamon vanilla latte at a famous coffee shop. They handed her what she said tasted like "coffee and water" and said it wasn't her drink. The associate got mad at her and insisted that was her drink. The girl said no, it wasn't. I saw it, it clearly wasn’t. The associate scoffed and took the drink back, and then her actual drink magically appeared. The associate handed it to the girl like nothing happened.
Crossing the street is an extreme sport. In fact, if you need to cross the street, just don't. Whatever is on the other side isn't important anyway.
You know how people say LA traffic is bad? So American of them—they haven't been to Lagos. Try having cars drive into you, on top of you, through you, and inside of you while someone tries to hop in the window to sell you peanuts.
There will never be a working seatbelt in the back right passenger seat of any rideshare car you hop into.
I went to a church wedding, and it wasn’t just one couple getting married. They marry as many couples at one time as possible. There are currently 6 couples getting married at one time at the church going one after the other between each segment.
Lagos is the only place where you’ll be at the airport with over 100 other people late to the same flight, and someone will still push you out of the way and say, "Please, I'm late to my flight!!" Well damn, me too!
Nigerians seem to have 6 eyes. You think you're being nice when you give one person money. Somehow 3 other people have seen you and are running towards you to also come and collect. Just don’t do it.
That's cute that you thought you were gonna pay what Bolt, the rideshare app, said the price was when you booked. You're already on your way, and the price you’re paying is going to be double by the end of this.
If you're heading back to the east like me, just embrace the rapid transition into village girl status. Free breakfast before 10 and beach parties quickly transform into waiting for NEPA to bring back light so you can heat up the same rice you've been eating for the past 3 days and hand-washing your panties.
Short braids are out, butt length with little curls on the end are in. It's this December’s equivalent of 2022's French curl braids.
The shit you see on holiday cards is actually said out loud out here. “Seasons greetings” and “compliments of the season” are actual holiday pleasantries spoken between humans.
Air Peace at Lagos’s international terminal and Air Peace at Lagos’ domestic terminal are two different experiences. One is your bougie cousin, and the other is your rowdy ratchet cousin. Neither are your fun cousins.
Flight boarding and departure times are merely a suggestion; these are not actual times. Actual times are approximately 1-6 hours later than the time you thought you were leaving.
It feels natural to be here. It feels like I'm navigating a place that isn't new, a place where I'm supposed to be. It's refreshing. I relate to everyone here in a way that I don't relate to everyone who is Black in America. Even if they're poor here, I still relate to them. It's a weird feeling, but it's beautiful. It makes me want to cry. My parents have stretched the branches that sprung from our tree trunk to the US, but our roots remain here in Nigeria, and I feel it.
We visit family every day. Family visits us every day. Family lives with family. Lots of extended family everywhere, ranging from small children to older grandparents in multigenerational harmony.
My aunt called a nail tech to come over and do nails. He came with a backpack and that was it, all his tools were in there. As he went step by step, he'd pull out his different tools from his backpack. He only had 10 colors available, mostly consisting of reds and pinks, but coincidentally had the exact shade of electric purple that I consistently wear when I'm back home.
Nigerian scammer friends have taught me how to pick locks and open suitcases without disturbing the lock. There goes my will to lock my suitcase.
Nigerian men won't let you pay for anything. My mom was mad at me for coming to Lagos with only 50K and its my last night and I've only spent 5K.
Lagos babes are not girl’s girls. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, but I’ve been finding it way easier to befriend the guys.
Nigerian men will be in your eye before you even get a chance to open them. They will be in your mouth before you even get a chance to breathe. They will be in your neck before you even get a chance to turn your head to spot them. They know no bounds and will let you know they find you attractive, beautiful, and sexy—God’s gift to this earth—with no shame. I've been hollered at in front of my mom, in front of baby cousins, at church. There is no shame.
Postcards From: Detty December
Detty December has become so mainstream that I fear this past one will be one of it’s final glory years..